Behave yourself and never mind the rest (Postcard no.3)

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I would like to introduce you with the term of jihad. The meaning of this Arabic word is mostly misinterpreted and often translated as "holy war", but in pure linguistic sense it means the act of "striving, applying oneself, struggling, persevering". Regardless the fact are you religious or not, we all fight our major jihad within us. 

On daily bases we all struggle with choices and  decisions to be made, we contemplate about right and wrong in accordance with our morality and/or religion, but we ignore to name this process. Life is a long path full of road signs which do not lead you anywhere in particular, but which light up choices of your own making; some of them are easily noticeable, the others are hidden behind the tree brunches, but if we observe carefully, we will spot them with our peripheral vision. Off course, the signs can be ignored as well. It is a personal choice. We can take a road which we do not know where will take us, but for which we strongly feel that is the right one. 

The only right advice I could share is to follow your heart, even though I am aware how cheap this sounds. But, it is the truth. The only problem is misinterpretation of the phrase. I believe it sounds like a second-hand quotation to most of you, but the the simplicity is the ultimate sophistication. The heart is  beginning and the end of cosmos. The first place where one has to start self-seeking as well as seeking for God is ones heart.  I believe and strongly feel that all humans have a choice to follow one of their inner voices through the life: First one would be voice of mind which can help one to achieve great things; The other is voice of soul which can open different dimensions of understanding; The third one is voice of heart which seeks the truth. 

I advice my mind and soul from time to time, but I exclusively follow my heart. It reveals to me the meaning of my life; reveals my purpose in this world; reveals use of overwhelming love I fell for everyone and everything, and nevertheless, it reveals my obsession with truth. God is in everything, but everything is not a God. He is not born, but he is alive. He lives in my heart, He is a truth. He is the love I feel for everyone and everything exiting. I want to get close to Him; I want Him to be pleased with me.  

So, I behave and I never mind the rest. I behave not for people, not for expression of myself, nor impression of others, I behave because I feel the need to follow the truth and love I feel within me. Kill your ego and you will free yourself. Get ride off your ignorance and you will be happy. Feel unconditional love towards everyone and everything existing, to be able to love that charming boy who sleeps in your bed while you are reading this, or your cat which is sitting on your window right now. 

Behave yourself in accordance with your inner voices; constantly be aware of your jihad and as much as it seams to be difficult, constantly try to be on the path of your beliefs. Life is a journey and you are not suppose to arrive anywhere. As Beatrix Potter said: Behave yourself and never mind the rest. Find a balance and maintain it in your daily life. Live like you will die tomorrow and work like you will leave for eternity. Constantly have in mind that love rules the world and be generous, honest and tender to all living creatures. Let your actions be led by love you feel and you will be able to feel the accomplishment even in the smallest actions.  Believe and live your believes. Dream and live your dreams. Love and feel love. 

Love people, but if you are not capable of loving them, then respect them. Never harm, even if you were harmed by others. Love and happiness can only be found within oneself, but can be reflected to others. If you can, try to inspire the other people to love; to overcome their fears, to live their dreams, to find their happiness. 

Embrace your jihad and never mind the rest. 

Pray, love and contemplate (postcard no.2)

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“Thank you,” the old man said. He was too simple to wonder when he had attained humility. But he knew he had attained it and he knew it was not disgraceful and it carried no loss of true pride.” 

The Old Man and the Sea, Ernest Hemingway

Humans lost their humility somewhere on the highway of time. We are to occupied with proving we are worth of things and recognition which does not have any true meaning. Our hearts became empty empires where only the superficial longings can be found in the darkness.

What happen to the spirit? Where the souls vanished? Our hearts are ghost towns and we are sadly proud of it. Blindly, we are trying to justified our ignorance to ourselves with delusion, 'nothing can hurt us anymore', just because we were disappointed, humiliated or hurt once upon a time. We pay more attention to the appearance rather than to the essence of anything and everything.

We take care of our bodies and practice regularly, but do we take care of our souls and our hearts? If so, than how? 

We miss something and we are not able to detect what that exactly is; we are ready to grab that  'something' in the moment we recognize it, but are we capable for acknowledgement? 

What will you say after you read that our eternal longing is the longing for the love of God? Feel free to deny. It is a personal choice. 

It is also a personal path. Those who seek shall find what they are seeking for. For me, existence of God is a fact. For others perhaps is not, but no one can deny the divine force of perfect order and movement in the Universe. Observe the nature! Stare at the sea. Admire is's movement and force. Try to imagine what is under the surface that you did not had chance to see on the documentary TV shows. Think about the known world and yourself. Think about all people before you and the ones whom will come after. Think about your transience and feel proud to be part of harmonic cosmos. Think about others whom are alike; think about those whom are less lucky than you. Think about death as essential part of a life. Nevertheless, think about the world as a master piece. 

And you shall be able to understand the fragments and you shall find the path which will led you back to your heart. 

The love you are looking for is also looking for you. The love is not only the significant person in your life. Neither a religion is the occupation of retired people. Love and truth are worth of living and dying for. 

Learn to overcome your ego. Learn to feel constant hunger for knowledge. Learn to obey and to be humble. Accept that each person has their inner small doubts and fears within their inner small cosmos, but also believe that everyone is worth of  love and respect. 

Embrace the religion you feel close to, or revive the one you were given when you were born, but you rejected afterwards. Trust in Beloved One and in yourself. 

Pray, love and contemplate. 

Your Love Is Poetry (postcard no.1)

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Love is divine feeling and belongs to Beloved One, Whom plant the hidden seed within humans hearts. It has a great opportunity to grow, if we water it regularly and if we expose it to Light. Elizabeth Barrett Browning wrote:

“No man can be called friendless who has God and the companionship of good books.” 

Regardless aforementioned, people are seeking for other people's love and affection. Each of us needs an ally on our path. We need someone to hold our hand and to whip off our fear of death, fear of pain and nevertheless, our fear of transience. 

So we love; we love individuals whom inspires us to be better person, those ones whom trust in us, the ones whom admires us and perhaps, they love us too.

The purest love shall be unconditional love, but I am doubting human's capability to maintain a course of cherishing such a profound emotion. Unfortunately, above everything else, we are simply humans, therefore, we hold an expectations and arrogance, not understanding clearly against whom; against other person or against ourselves.  

More poetry is needed indeed. But, we need to read it from another angle. We need to gravitate towards the idea of being the author, rather than the muse. Being the one whom is inspired with eternity, with unconditional love, with God, with pureness, with simplicity of someone's daily habit, with someone's appearance or someone's inner vulnerability.   

In order to feel love, at least the part of complexity that love contains, we need to expose ourselves, we need to reveal ourselves, we need to allow for our hearts to be touched and fractured into the smallest peaces by others.  

Because you cannot learn how to feel, neither how not to feel. 

Therefore, you cannot choose whom to love; you can only dive into love or ignore it once when you become aware of your emotions. 

You can read the poetry, relate to it and analyse it, but once when you start to wish you wrote it instead of wishing that it was written for you, you will be capable to contribute towards unconditional love. 

I trust humans are believers, I trust humans are tender lovers, but I am witnessing the lack of honesty, the lack of braveness, the lack of understanding, the ignorance and arrogance. Unfortunately, love does not live in those hearts, neither the empathy. Some people are building empire of emptiness in their hearts. They are delusional while thinking that that is a shield which will protect them from harm. 

To be touched by love, the one needs to experience the tears of sorrow as well as tears of joy.  Let us be moved by divine force; moved forward to understanding of existence, of beauty, of present moment and

death. 

Love is poetry and shall make you cry. 

You say you love me, but you do not, my love.

You say you love me, but you do not, my love. 

Love cannot be squeezed into one word or defined using only language, simply  because it does not belong to language. Twist your head around, It's all around you,  All is full of love. I will not try to define it, I am not a fool. 

I love words as much as I love love, but I never believed that for me or for anyone else is possible to frame complexity of love into one word, regardless the language we use. Off course, I have tendencies to describe feelings, to get a little bit closer to understanding of my inner world. We are humans and we intent to be in control, but beauty of love is in the fact that it is our of the reach. It is divine feeling and completely intuitive. If you know why you love someone, you probably do not love that person. 

Do not say you love me, because you do not. We are not lovers, neither friends, even we strongly feel both. You will protect me, you said. You will help me and be there for me! - I have heard from you many times, while we were drinking and smoking on the balcony feeling confusion of our heartbeats and coldness of winter's nights.  But you are not able to keep up with your words. You are exiled from your dreams and feelings. Today I am your friend, but tonight you will love me again and be jealous while I am kissing the other man. I will sleep in your bed again, alone, while you will spend the night on the couch. We will have puzzling fight and feel bad tomorrow, texting to each other: "I am sorry!", but thinking: I do not want to lose you. 

Then, you will start to date a girl and insist on my presence there. We are friends, right? Then you will kiss her, but stare at me. And I will drink more and laugh harder, trying to make it easier and less awkward for all of us.  I do not want to witness your deeply superficial relations, but I am doing it for some sick reason and I pretend not to care. I do it because I understand what you do not. I understand why you think you love me. 

You need me to be the person seen with my eyes. You love the version of yourself created in our most intimate moments in the crowed places during the long, confusing nights. That is what it is all about; we manage to create our own universe in presence of others. We establish addiction of other ones presence, but we did not talk about it. 

If you ask me we should never talk about feelings; we should only feel and follow it. We should let it inspire us! Allowed it to take us where we cannot go all by ourselves. We should follow our intuition and let ourselves go. 

Anyhow, tomorrow we will only be friends. 

 You do not love me, my dear, you only understand that feels right to be near me.

 If you would love me, you would not have to say it, but I would still be able to read it. So, you are drunk again, right? You love me, but it is too emotional, than too sexual and eventually too complicated. Love is never complicated, believe me. Love moves galaxies and transforms weaknesses into the strength.

It is a strong force, stronger than the sea.  

You say you love me, and I believe you. 

I knew it before I heard the words. I believe you, because I feel you. But again, if you think you love me enough, I will prove you wrong. Because, babe, love makes you brave, it makes you foolish, but it does not makes you being friends with someone. 

Thank you for your love, but if you are only ready to offer me learned version of love, than I recommend you to learn how to love someone else. 

Love, hera

When I was younger I used to believe I need a man

When I was younger I used to believe

I need a man. 

I needed him to support 

Ideas, 

I would abounded myself 

after three days.

  

To share

Enthusiasm about promising or brilliant 

Almost possible plan.

Sharing is caring, 

I used to believe,

Criticizing without concrete arguments

Is not. 

He does not understands 

or supports me. 

Let's question our affection  

Our common interests, 

Our love. 

I needed a man to join 

Emotional roller coaster

of mine.

To share a passion 

For unpredictable, 

Trusting in Unknown, 

Spontaneously leading me, 

Into madness. 

I needed him to tolerate 

The storms I produce; 

To cuddle right afterwards. 

I needed him

To kiss me often

To kiss me good. 

To fight before sex

Now and again.

The storm is coming.

I needed a man 

To feel safe

From my demons

And dreams. 

When I was younger I used to believe 

I need a man.

Now I know

I want to need him again.

We have a room full of love, what shall we do with it afterwards?

Life is a map of the inevitable ends. Sometimes we found ourselves witnessing how our personal universe is falling apart. This awareness of losing someone who means world to you is speechless. Awareness that there is nothing you can do to make things right again, to gain love back or to collect broken peaces of someone's trust in you. You can feel coldness in touch, you can see distance in eyes, but you cannot go backwards. The footstep marks are lost in the snow which appear without announcement.  

We never meant to feel like that, but we do. Sitting across each other at the dinning table, sharing silence like in Prevert's "Breakfast", feeling hopeless, wounded and lost. Staring at the distance or at each other with eyes full of tears we saved for later, with the look of hunted animal, still expecting for the other one to save "us" in plural.  We are not ready to give up, but we simply do not know how to fix it. So we wait, because every word just makes the situation even more difficult. 

It feels like we are standing on the street while our house is burning.We want to scream but me cannot make a voice. We are afraid, hurt and simply not ready. We have a room full of love, what shall we do with it afterwards?

So we talk about that for days or months with everyone except with that person. We heal ourselves while having long contemplation followed by drinking sessions. We feel anger about person whom was visitor of our life, but whom refused to stay. We start to recall and underline all beautiful moments we share, or we use all bad memories to make worst-case scenarios of mutual future just for us to feel better, just to survive this very moment. 

So, we look terrible, feeling even worst than that and we keep on drinking and talking. In the middle of emotional breakdown our friends are feeling sorry for us, but they remain being supportive. We eat more, we practice more, we do everything we did not do while we were with that person, or we increase the intensity of doing things we did together, and all of that has only one purpose: to heal our broken expectations. 

Then we start to deny we ever loved that person. Claiming we were strangers from the beginning. Asking ourselves in present of our silent friends, what we were thinking when we thought this person was our soulmate/love of our life? 

Eventually, our friends get tired of us and start to avoid to continue with this kid of conversations, and we painfully understand why. In that moment we truly feel pathetic about ourselves and we decide that we have to let it go. Then we face reality, we notice that it is was not the doomsday and that everything is part of big force of movement, so we find our lost will for living and we proceed with our broken lives. 

After the healing process is done, we start to understand everything we did not eventually. We understand that life is full of inevitable ends and that we should always allowed ourselves to feel hurt, to feel sorrow, failure or betrayal.  We understand that we should allow ourselves to have a breakdowns caused by lost love, as well as to give ourselves a chance to love again. 

But above all, we understand that we shall never, but never allow ourselves not to feel. 

Surreal 2015 and Big Bang of the Brain

Surreal 2015 started with the big bang of our brains. We trust we are in the future, but I think none of us were ready to fully embrace the chaos we found ourselves in; it is like being static but simultaneously moving ahead led by unknown force.

I had a lot of breakdowns during the year, mostly emotional ones. They were deep, dark and intimate, almost unspeakable. I felt like my body is cracking, while my soul is swelling under the pressure of  melancholy and sorrow. There is a homemade bomb within me; I build it with my previous lives. As everyone else, I have a tendency to die once in a while. Also, I have a very close relationship with death; she is like an old friend I did not hear from in a while, but whom lives deep down in my memories and in my heart.  Death is very present in our lives even if we are not aware of it or ready to accept it. Sometimes I feel it is the only constant part of life, only reality which exist, like if everything else what surround us is an illusion. Some learned lessons of living. Some human trying to stop the time and to put the frame on elusive appearance of life. 

Robert Frost once said: “In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.”  I agree, it goes on and takes all my tears, fears, love and happy moments within, but what my life is made of? What is the essence of it? 

It is a palette of shades, of beautiful people, of following feelings, of produced  situations, of tenderness, of understandings, of dreams and dreamers, of believes and believers, of imagination and illusions; it is castle in the sand which I am constantly rebuilding despite all odds for rebellion. I heard once that good fortune follows the brave ones. 

So, the circle is closed. I am leaving my emotional baggage from 2015 on the side walk of December. I am barefoot while I am crossing the invisible line of fate in the future. I believe things happens, shit happens, love happens. I believe you happen to me for a reason. Your task in my life is to teach me how to be patient and how to love tenderly in silence from distance. 

Maybe you are my miracle, maybe just lost fate. Maybe nothing, maybe everything of that, who knows? I am ready to accept to be loved and to be hurt, but I am not ready not to try. 

I do not want you to change, or to grow up. I do not want you to sacrifice anything for me; all I want is you to remain being a person I got used to. The person whom I miss the scent of while sleeping alone in your bed, the warmth when you sit next to me but not holding my hand, the tenderness of calm voice when you text me. The person whom is still on the boarder of crossing from boyhood to manhood.  

So, I am embracing the chaos. I am accepting my inevitable fate, my darkness, my breakdowns, my vices and my fears, but I am trying to understand yours too. You grow up in different system of values. System, in which I will remain alien. This idea scares me more than a fact that I am older than you, more broken and more damaged in terms of life experience. 

I am grateful for unconditional love I received from you, but forgive me for doubting that humans are able for anything unconditional. I am meeting certain difficulties while I am trying to understand what and how I feel for you. All I know is that contemplation will not provide me an answer. The answer is in silence we share, in your unselfish care for me, in my deep tenderness for you, in need to be close to you physically without touching you, but wanting it subconsciously or consciously at the end. 

So, forgive me that I do not believe I am able to give you unconditional love. Seen through my eyes you are a beautiful man. And due to my human nature, I seek for beauty in order to fight against the senseless moments of routine. So, death learned me all important lessons about life and among them is: when the moment comes for you to leave this life, the only thing you are allowed to take with you are your memories. So, I am trying to collect beautiful moments with the beautiful people.  

Beauty can not be defined, but it can be measured by her depth; I feel you deeply.  

You are the only surreal thing from 2015 that I want to keep; you are my illusion.