Surreal 2015 started with the big bang of our brains. We trust we are in the future, but I think none of us were ready to fully embrace the chaos we found ourselves in; it is like being static but simultaneously moving ahead led by unknown force.
I had a lot of breakdowns during the year, mostly emotional ones. They were deep, dark and intimate, almost unspeakable. I felt like my body is cracking, while my soul is swelling under the pressure of melancholy and sorrow. There is a homemade bomb within me; I build it with my previous lives. As everyone else, I have a tendency to die once in a while. Also, I have a very close relationship with death; she is like an old friend I did not hear from in a while, but whom lives deep down in my memories and in my heart. Death is very present in our lives even if we are not aware of it or ready to accept it. Sometimes I feel it is the only constant part of life, only reality which exist, like if everything else what surround us is an illusion. Some learned lessons of living. Some human trying to stop the time and to put the frame on elusive appearance of life.
Robert Frost once said: “In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.” I agree, it goes on and takes all my tears, fears, love and happy moments within, but what my life is made of? What is the essence of it?
It is a palette of shades, of beautiful people, of following feelings, of produced situations, of tenderness, of understandings, of dreams and dreamers, of believes and believers, of imagination and illusions; it is castle in the sand which I am constantly rebuilding despite all odds for rebellion. I heard once that good fortune follows the brave ones.
So, the circle is closed. I am leaving my emotional baggage from 2015 on the side walk of December. I am barefoot while I am crossing the invisible line of fate in the future. I believe things happens, shit happens, love happens. I believe you happen to me for a reason. Your task in my life is to teach me how to be patient and how to love tenderly in silence from distance.
Maybe you are my miracle, maybe just lost fate. Maybe nothing, maybe everything of that, who knows? I am ready to accept to be loved and to be hurt, but I am not ready not to try.
I do not want you to change, or to grow up. I do not want you to sacrifice anything for me; all I want is you to remain being a person I got used to. The person whom I miss the scent of while sleeping alone in your bed, the warmth when you sit next to me but not holding my hand, the tenderness of calm voice when you text me. The person whom is still on the boarder of crossing from boyhood to manhood.
So, I am embracing the chaos. I am accepting my inevitable fate, my darkness, my breakdowns, my vices and my fears, but I am trying to understand yours too. You grow up in different system of values. System, in which I will remain alien. This idea scares me more than a fact that I am older than you, more broken and more damaged in terms of life experience.
I am grateful for unconditional love I received from you, but forgive me for doubting that humans are able for anything unconditional. I am meeting certain difficulties while I am trying to understand what and how I feel for you. All I know is that contemplation will not provide me an answer. The answer is in silence we share, in your unselfish care for me, in my deep tenderness for you, in need to be close to you physically without touching you, but wanting it subconsciously or consciously at the end.
So, forgive me that I do not believe I am able to give you unconditional love. Seen through my eyes you are a beautiful man. And due to my human nature, I seek for beauty in order to fight against the senseless moments of routine. So, death learned me all important lessons about life and among them is: when the moment comes for you to leave this life, the only thing you are allowed to take with you are your memories. So, I am trying to collect beautiful moments with the beautiful people.
Beauty can not be defined, but it can be measured by her depth; I feel you deeply.
You are the only surreal thing from 2015 that I want to keep; you are my illusion.
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