Beyond the words

We all felt at least once that would be good to be anonymous for a moment. Some of us tried to escape from everyday life by making some big decisions over night and moving to some foreigner country. The brave ones decide to follow their dreams and to live them. Others tried to seek for their hidden stash in their imagination or in the physical transformation. It sounds exacting to change a style, a gender, a job, a partner or a city. But what about the situation when you cannot escape? When you are prisoner of your body, of your mind and of your environment? What about those people who cannot go anywhere because they are trapped in this world which does not understands them? There is a lot of them, but they cannot related to each others. Majority is not comfort for them; they do not seek for company. These individuals are living in parallel universes. This life is trivial for them. What is behind the surface is what instigates them. These introverts are self-sufficient.To those whom decided to proceed with reading, be aware of hidden madness and deep confusion between the lines. Be aware that only believers can see within themselves. The biggest truths we do not speak, we feel them and we wrap them in shiny paper made of words. Words are like a sea shells; they cherish and hide the meanings made of your experience, longings and beliefs. I adore and despise the words in the same time. From the beginning the words had the meaning beyond, and for me they are like endless movements in my mind and in my soul. I dig worlds with words. Now I am hopelessly trying to understand the absence of words, trying to communicate without them, trying to enter the world where words does not have a meaning, only the echo.  I am longing to understand how to express all the meanings I learned until now without using the language. I need to enter one world which fascinates me; I want to break free and to understand wordless world of my daughter. In the same time, I am trying to keep my world made of words open for her. The words cannot be simplified due to existence of layers added through someones experience. We are constantly adding the meanings to the words, we fill them with ourselves. First, we learn words with our mind, second, we experience the meaning of words and only then we can claim we understand. So, I decided to maintain writing on English, which is not my mother language. I am trying to break a language barrier in terms of understanding. I have to find a way to approach to my dearest person in entire universe; she does not care for words, she only feels what is beyond them, while I am feeling through the words. I remain incapable to express my feelings in the way she finds to be understandable. She lives in her bubble called Autism Spectrum Disorder and this is the beginning of the long term journey.